By: Dickhole / Delusional Fling

​

Delusional Fling

 

I wake up, look over, and… yes! I didn’t dream it last night! On the other side of the bed, sleeping soundly… is my man crush, [name redacted]. God, he is sooo fine. His face, his body, his… well I’m just going to be honest, his dick. Sigh.

     He stirs so I quickly throw the blanket back over myself and pretend to be sleeping in the hopes that maybe he’ll turn over and start cuddling me. 

     Waiting… and waiting… and waiting…

     And, shit, he’s getting up. Probably just has to pee or something, and then he’ll be right back. Right? Right…

     Now he’s leaving the room, quietly I might add. He must not want to wake me up, what a sweetheart!

 

Dickhole 

 

I wake up, look over, and… shit. Fuck. It’s this guy again. The guy I keep meaning to ghost. I have literally no idea what his name is, all that I do know is every time after I accidentally come over here, he’ll text me for the next couple of days, trying to get me to hang out again. It usually takes at least a week of ignoring his messages before he gets the hint. He certainly is delusional.

     He’s sleeping, so I take this as an opportunity to try and sneak out. Well, to at least go to the bathroom, I have to piss like a racehorse, he’s honestly lucky that I didn’t piss in his bed or in the corner of his room on that pile of laundry last night.

     I get up and as slowly as I can tiptoe over to the door, open it slowly, and shit, it just creaked super loud. I look back over and that Delusional Fling is still in bed, seemingly sleeping soundly.

     I creep out of the room and the sun instantly blinds me, the kitchen is bright as fuck. I close the door quickly so none of the light bleeds back into the bedroom and wakes him up.

     I walk across the kitchen slowly, not wanting to wake up who I remember to be his extremely annoying roommate. Every single time I see her she has a look on her face like I personally shat in her coffee and forced her to drink it… without creamer.

     I get into the bathroom and close the door behind me. Pulling down my pants, I whizz for what seems like an eternity before finishing and pulling my pants back up. That took so long that if that fucker wasn’t awake before he certainly is now, I need to get the hell out of here.

     But first, my breath tastes like straight ass. I search through the bathroom cabinets before I find a bottle of mouthwash. I open it, drink from the jug directly, and put it back as I swish it around in my mouth. I spit it out and am about to leave the bathroom when I realize that…

     Holy shit, I am horny as hell. We must have not slept together last night if I’m this horny waking up, or maybe I’m just a hornball. Either way, the lighting in here is great so I might as well use it. I take my shirt off, pose in the mirror so my abs are accentuated (helped by the fact I drank a shit ton of tequila last night and am dehydrated as fuck). I snap a good picture and post it to my story to get the hoes flocking, and leave the bathroom.

     Damn, I’m dizzy, probably also because of the dehydration. I head over the fridge to see if there’s anything in here to help me with that…

 

Delusional Fling

 

After pretending to be asleep for five minutes thinking that he was going to come back in here to cuddle me, I start getting concerned. He’s been gone a while.

     I get up and look down at what I’m wearing, it’s a bedtime outfit of old shorts and an old T-shirt, this simply won’t do. I quickly change into a cuter outfit.

     I look in the mirror and realize I have severe bedhead. I grab the bottle of water on my nightstand and wet my hair before grabbing the container of hair product on my dresser to style it with. Much better.

     I’m not sure how I smell so I put some deodorant and cologne on as well. My breath probably isn’t the greatest either, so I scrounge around until I find a pack of gum and toss a piece in my mouth.

     He’s still not back… I wonder what he could be doing out there? Maybe he’s out in the kitchen cooking me breakfast. Yeah, that’s it I’m sure. Time to go say good morning!

     I walk out into the kitchen to find him rummaging through my refrigerator. He is cooking me breakfast!

​

Dickhole 

​

I hear a door open, I turn around, and motherfucker! He caught me, I should have just left while I had the chance.

     Delusional Fling: “Good morninggg.”

     Me: “Uhhhh, morning.”

     Delusional Fling: “You can use the eggs in there if you want! Actually use whatever, I’ll just replace it if it’s my roommates.”

     Me: “Use what for what?”

     Delusional Fling: “Use anything in the fridge! Weren’t you going to make breakfast?”

     Jesus Christ, that’s what he thinks I’m doing? Well, I guess while I’m here…

     Me: “Can I have one of these Gatorades too?”

     Delusional Fling: “Go for it! I’ll be right back, I have to go to the bathroom.”

     Not sure why he tells me shit like that, but whatever. I grab two eggs from the fridge before rummaging through the cabinets to find an avocado and some bread.

     As I’m cooking he’s in the bathroom for an unusually long amount of time, and I can hear the shower running. Whatever, if he wants to shower while I’m here, more power to him, and the less I have to see him.

 

Delusional Fling

 

Inside of the bathroom, I turn on the shower so I can douche without him hearing from the kitchen. We didn’t have sex last night because he got here and threw up before going straight to bed, and now I’m horny as hell. I hope he wants to fuck me…

     After I finish I jump into the shower to wash myself off quickly just so I’m fresh and squeaky clean all over. I put my clothes back on, brush my teeth, and go back into the kitchen.

     Out in the kitchen he’s sitting at the table with a singular plate, cup of coffee, and the Gatorade, scrolling on his phone.

     “Oh hey,” he says looking up at me, “I hope you don’t mind I made myself some coffee.”

     “Of course not!” I reply chipperly, wondering why he didn’t make us some coffee. I look around the kitchen and upon further inspection, find that he didn’t make me any food either. Whatever, if I’m going to be bottoming, I don’t want to do it on a full stomach anyway. Plus, I just brushed my teeth.

     I join him at the table when he suddenly asks, “We didn’t hook up last night, did we?”

     I decide to spare him the details and just answer, “No, we were both too tired.”

     “Ah, so that’s why I’m so horny right now.”

     Score! He’s horny too! “I was actually feeling the same way!”

     He perks up, and then smirks. “Oh really?”

     “Oh, really.”

 

Dickhole 

 

Shit, am I really going to do this again? Risk having this… freak, for the lack of a better word (he’s not a freak in the way he looks, but the way he acts) latch on to me even more because I want to get my rocks off?

     Yes, yes I am.

     “What did you want to do?” he asks me.

     I think about what I want to do. As much as I want to get it in I’m still feeling a little sick, and that much motion might make me ralph. Also, having actual, penetrative sex might give him the wrong idea about what’s going on here (that I like him in any capacity being the idea it might plant in his head). 

     “Honestly I could go for some head,” I answer.

     He looks disappointed. “That’s it?”

     “I’m just hungover, I feel like I would puke with too much motion.”

     Delusional Fling thinks for a moment before offering a suggestion. “You can just lay down and I’ll ride you until you cum.”

     I think about that suggestion… and figure it couldn’t hurt. That much, anyway. However, I do see some room for negotiation. “Blow me for ten minutes first, and then you can ride it?”

     “Deal.”

     Ten minutes later I’m leaving his apartment, because the head was too bomb and I didn’t even try stopping myself when I felt the orgasm coming on. Oh well, saved myself some trouble. 

     Not even 20 minutes after I left he’s texting me already…

     Thanks for a great night and morning!

     Guess this means I should probably block him…

     Nah, we’ll see how fast he gets the message this time. After all, that blow job was amazing, and having someone desperate like that on my roster is always useful.

     I go back and check the replies to my shirtless photo, already have a couple of interested parties. Guess I can use this to start planning the next time I need (want) to get off. Probably later this evening if we’re being honest…

     I start messaging some of them back as I walk home.

​

Delusional Fling

​

He’s barely been gone for 20 minutes now, and I already can’t wait until the next time we get to hang out. I send him a text, sigh, and lie down on my bed to wait for an answer.

     Maybe he’ll text back faster this time.

     Maybe now he’ll want to hang out at a reasonable time and not just late when he’s drunk.

     Maybe we’ll actually go out sometime, somewhere in public.

     Maybe he’ll realize how much we actually have in common! (Cuz we do!)

     Maybe we’ll start dating!

     Maybe…

     I go into my bedside drawer, pull out a dildo, and take care of myself to the thought of us spending the rest of our lives together.